You Know Who I Really Hate?

This man:

No, not Joe Torre, though I'm not exactly a big fan of his, either (we all know he's hung A-Rod out by the short-and-curlies in the media). No, I'm talking about Mr. Living Legend, 94 on the fastball, headhunter of his own son, Captain 348, Roger "The Rocket" Clemens.

Oh, let me count the ways.

1. What in God's name is on his head? Is that a University of Texas cap? You can't afford a fitted hat on your $22 million dollar pro-rated annual salary, Roger? Way to be diplomatic about it, though.

2. "Just visiting as a friend and a fan," Roger tells the media, almost as if he is surprised at their interest. Don't worry, he tells us, his agents are visiting as friends and fans, too.

3. I do not understand Clemen's apparent obsession with dominating the baseball news cycle until at least June, every goddamn year. He feeds it to the media like popcorn. "Got a sound bite for us today, Rocket?" "No, fellas, you know that I'm 98.6% retired! I'm never coming back to baseball, I'm tired and I'm hanging up my guns. There's no way in hell I'm coming back unless one of the four teams that I am geographically or historically associated with is in a pennant race, and what are the odds of that?? Almost nil!"

4. I give everyone 1 free "Get Out of Retirement" card before labeling them douchebags forever. We all regret Michael Jordan's Wizard years (he gets a free pass on the first one because his father died), but nobody is perfect and I can understand how life might be even more different away from the game than players can know. But when you come back, stay back, play, and shut the hell up until you're gone again, this time for good. This will be Roger's 22nd unretirement (because that's his number, get it???), and as far as I'm concerned, his act is worn out.

5. SI.com's John Donovan recently wrote a great article which pretty much came out and said that Clemens is as much of a horse's ass as he is a pitcher. We all know that he was given special privileges, allowed to spend some road trips at home with his family, and granted his wish to skip Spring Training entirely, take his circus to Round Rock, and finally begin his season on--you guessed it, look at that!--June 22nd. This is all well and good, until we find out that on some of his special off days, Clemens wasn't helping anybody with their math homework, he was golfing. Astros: playing, Clemens: golfing.

6. I was going to get all the way to 22 reasons, but you know what, fuck it.

My colleague (and hardcore 'Stros fan) Theodore and I have had it out over Clemens on several occasions, and I am pleased that he is not an apologist the way San Franciscans are with Bonds. It's frustrating to have one man dominate and overshadow the far more noble contributions of Lance Berkman, uber-hitter, and Roy Oswalt, who goes about his business and wins far more games than Clemens for less money, and he sits with his team on road trips.

I think it is ridiculous and pathetically selfish to manipulate fans through the media the way Clemens does. It's cliche, but truly, no one is bigger than the team or the game, and nobody wears a Roger Clemens cap to bed at night, which is really the only cap I can see the man wearing into Cooperstown. When he does get into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot, I will make every effort to put a booger on his plaque.

In the mean time, I hope he unretires with the Yankees, so he can keep his sickening 2.30 ERA out of the National League and the Central.

"I think he'll pitch again. If I had to guess, I'd say he will." -- Jeet, precognitive
"I think he once he gets that itch, he might choose to play again." -- Andy Pettitte, Roger's pet hamster
"I have to get back up to speed," said Clemens. "I'm not at the point to be competitive and to get the job done. I've had enough word from teammates where it does sound appealing, though."

PLEASE!